The First Generation Journey
For many Sri Lankan Tamil parents, migration was not a decision made easily. It was often the result of war, discrimination, and the urgent need to protect their family. Many left behind their homes, careers, support networks, and everything familiar to start again in countries such as the United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, United States and many more.
In this new environment, survival became the main priority. Parents took whatever jobs they could find, even if they were far from their original professions. They focused on finding stable housing, choosing good schools, and keeping their children connected to their culture through Tamil language classes, religious practices, and festivals.
The mission was clear, give the next generation a life free from the struggles they endured. In many cases, this goal was achieved, and their children grew up to become educated, successful professionals. Parents felt a deep sense of pride and validation, knowing their sacrifices had been worth it.
The Challenge After Success
A new question often arises once the child reaches adulthood. What happens when they want to make their own choices?
They might choose a career path different from what their parents envisioned, decide to change fields entirely, or enter an interracial relationship. These moments test the parent and child relationship more than any school exam or job interview ever could.
How a parent responds in these moments often determines whether the relationship continues to grow based on mutual trust or becomes strained with resentment and misunderstanding.
Control or Guidance
Many first-generation parents have spent decades making decisions for their children, from what school they attend to the extracurricular activities they pursue. Out of love and fear, they try to shape every step of their child’s life. This fear can come from many places, such as worrying that their child will not be successful, fear of judgment from family, friends, or the community, fear of the unknown and uncertainty of life, or even their own anxieties shaped by past experiences.
However, this style of parenting can unintentionally limit a young person’s ability to make independent decisions. The result is often an adult who is anxious about failure, unsure of their choices, and overly dependent on external approval. Success starts to feel like the only acceptable outcome, and failure becomes a source of shame.
A helpful analogy is this: a parent’s job is not to control where their child swims but to teach them how to swim confidently. Whether they choose a river, a lake, or the ocean is their decision. The goal is to ensure they have the skills and resilience to swim anywhere.
Reflecting on the “Why”
When parents struggle to accept their child’s decisions, it is worth pausing to reflect on why.
Is it a genuine concern that the child might make a harmful decision?
Or is it the parent’s own fear, such as fear of societal judgment, gossip, or the possibility that their child might fail or make a choice that reflects badly on the family?
Could it be anxiety about social status, or a desire for validation through their child’s achievements?
These questions are not always easy to confront, but they are essential. Recognising the difference between guiding a child for their wellbeing and controlling them out of fear is a crucial step toward building a healthier relationship.
Teaching Values Over Outcomes
One of the most powerful ways parents can support their children is by focusing on instilling strong values rather than dictating specific life choices. When a young person has a clear sense of what is important, such as family, integrity, compassion, resilience, and respect, those values will guide their decisions around career, relationships, and lifestyle.
Values are taught not just through lectures but through parent’s modelling, everyday conversations, shared experiences, and family rituals. Something as simple as a weekly movie night or regular dinner conversation from a young age creates space for open dialogue. Over time, this builds trust, so when challenges arise during the teenage years or early adulthood, the child feels safe turning to their parents for guidance.
A New Understanding of Success
For first-generation parents, success was about survival, stability and security. For their children, success might mean purpose, creativity, happiness, or balance. These definitions do not have to conflict, but they do require understanding and flexibility.
Parenting in a new country is about more than providing safety and opportunity. It is also about nurturing a relationship where trust, respect, and communication can grow. The ultimate goal is not to shape every detail of your child’s future but to raise a confident, capable individual who can navigate life on their own terms and still choose to share that life with you.
By Thadam
Thadam is a nonprofit organisation run by volunteers based in Sydney and Victoria, that works to raise mental health awareness within the Tamil community. Thadam is dedicated to normalising conversations about mental health through a cultural lens, breaking stigma, and giving people the tools to speak about mental health without shame. Thadam does this because mental health is a part of overall health, and talking about it openly helps identify challenges early and seek support before they become more serious.
www.thadam.com.au
@thadamofficial
